xmyautisticlifex:

butterflyinthewell:

Sometimes autism isn’t cute. Sometimes it sucks.

It’s not fun to have a constant urge to scream, punch my head or slam my head into things.

It’s not fun to have to thrash my body around to get an unpleasant sensation from somewhere inside myself to stop.

It’s not fun to feel like electric current is running through my skin when I sit too still.

It’s not fun to have my entire brain overwhelmed by a noise nobody else notices.

It’s not fun to not be able to start “simple” tasks because all the little steps to take in order to start feel like a mountain to climb.

It’s not fun not being able to tell somebody something because I can’t get my brain to lock words and their meanings together to form a coherent sentence in writing or via speech.

It’s not fun having people accuse me of yelling because I talk louder than normal so I’m heard, and then having everybody get annoyed and tell me to repeat myself if I talk quieter.

It’s not fun being unable to understand the person talking to you from a foot away because the room you’re in is full of chattering people.

It’s not fun not being able to manage a simple task like write a phone number down because the room is too hot, too cold, loud, chaotic and bright, and it feels like trying to write while skydiving through an F5 tornado and landing in a tsunami, and everybody is pissed off at me because “writing a phone number is so simple!”

Sometimes autism sucks.

Sometimes isn’t always.

But sometimes.

Sometimes.

It sucks.

When I very first started finding the autistic community online I felt a little isolated, because there was so much autism positivity and at that time in my life I did NOT like my autism at all. The positivity has been wonderful and helped me accept myself a lot more – but I think it’s also important that we sometimes talk about how HARD autism can be, because it IS hard. I want both positivity and encouragement, but also the ability to talk to other people and say “hey I had a meltdown today and it was awful”or “today I’ve been struggling with sensory overload and I’m not feeling awesome about my neuro-divergence”and have that understanding and compassion from others and see their struggles also so it feels less lonely. 
Basically, i think a positive focus is great, but focusing on the positive exclusively doesn’t provide belonging and support for those going through bad times, and quite frankly is not realistic. 
So really… thanks for acknowledging that it sucks sometimes. I feel that.