Validation

borderlinebravery:

What is validation?

Validation is acknowledging what someone is feeling, and that there is a reason for it. Thoughts, behaviors, and emotions have causes, and these causes can be understood. Validation involves accepting that cause. It does not inherently mean you agree with the thought, emotion, or behavior. Further, it does not involve validating what is not, in fact, valid – for instance, a feeling of anger is valid. However, an action of breaking a vase in response to that anger is not valid.

What is the purpose of validation?

Validation has several useful effects. First of all, invalidation hurts! Validating someone’s emotions or experiences makes them feel heard and understood, and can improve relationships. It improves interpersonal effectiveness through reducing anger and unhealthy reactions to that anger. It also reduces the pressure to prove who is “right” – after all, both parties can be right about certain things and wrong about other things. Validation also makes things such as problem solving, closeness, and support more possible.

What deserves validation?

Validate the valid, and only the valid. The facts of a situation are valid – someone did something that made someone think something and/or feel something. Someone’s experiences, beliefs, opinions, thoughts, and emotions are valid – even if they differ from your own personal values. Someone’s suffering and difficulties are valid. A person’s behavior in response to their experiences/beliefs/opinions, etc. does not always deserve validation.

Example: 

A mother and her teenage daughter are arguing. The mother does not want the daughter going out to visit her boyfriend later that night, as she has an important exam in the morning she needs to study for. The daughter is angry and believes that she should be able to see her boyfriend because it’s his birthday. The two get in an argument over this. The mom doesn’t budge in her decision and, because she feels disrespected, begins to yell at her daughter, and even resorts to calling her a spoiled brat. The daughter slams her school books down on the kitchen table and storms up to her room and slams her door. 

• Valid: The mom truly thinks that studying for the exam is in her daughter’s best interest. The daughter believes she should be able to see her boyfriend on his birthday. The daughter feels angry and the mother feels disrespected. 
• Invalid: The mother calling her daughter a spoiled brat. The daughter slamming her school books down on the kitchen table.

Things to remember:

Validation does not mean that you agree with someone, or that you approve of what they are doing/thinking/feeling. It only means that you are acknowledging it and recognizing that there is a reason for it.

Source: (x) paraphrased by Jill and Julia for Borderline Bravery